As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
