I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just gargled with NyQuil
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
