Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
