I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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