My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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