You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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