This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
