I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
