Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
