I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
