He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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