Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
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As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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