Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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