Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
