I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
