I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
