the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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