is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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