I am midnight drunk by noon
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
