And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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