apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
