I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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