you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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