my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
