I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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