i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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