Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize