girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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