Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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