dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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