Plan B is the new Plan A
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
