the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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