I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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