I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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