I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
