Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
