finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
