the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
