My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The uberlube is also flammable
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
