I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
