I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
