dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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