Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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