He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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