I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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