high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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