she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I need a beard to bite.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
