dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
