Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm always down for nudity.
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