Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
