My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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