Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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