someone threw a dead crab at me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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