I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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