Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
