just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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