Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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